Thursday, January 31, 2008
I've been having very bizarre dreams this week. One had to do with violent orange diarrhea (don't ask) and they all have something to do with water. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just nuts. :)
I had plans to accomplish stuff today. *snort* Yeah, right. I got up, ate breakfast, and went to work. And I've figured out that taking the bus isn't going to work. The bus I used to take to work no longer goes anywhere near work. It's the lovely MAX expansion in progress. Don't get me wrong, MAX is a great transit, but honestly? I could do without all the noise. I'm just thankful they aren't anywhere near my work anymore. The sound of jackhammers and all the street closures was a pain in the butt this summer. It's done now and now they're farther away. For those of you who don't know, MAX is Portland's light rail. It's like a train kind of thing. Doesn't describe it well at all, does it? Here's the link to trimet. Might make more sense if you saw it. :)
I'm fed up with book sellers in general. I still can't find The Last Twilight anywhere here in Portland. I went over to amazon and bought it, plus preordered some other books. Amazon thought it would be a hoot to tell me that to get my books on the day they came out, I'd have to pay extra shipping, though I'd gotten the free super savings. Supposedly, the only way to get the free super savings was to buy them and not get them until ALL of the books were out. Can someone explain the logic in that? So, now I've got to pay for shipping each book to me when they come out instead. Argh! I think amazon needs to rethink that particular area of their shipping. If I have to wait until April to get books that are out right now just because one of the books I ordered isn't coming out until then...well that's just stupid. *sigh*
I have no plans for the weekend. I'm running low on fundage and have to wait until next Friday before I can do anything fun. *sigh* I also owe my mom about $140. I borrowed $40 from her a week or so ago and was going to pay her back on payday, but that was the day all of my bills were due. *sigh* I hate being a grownup sometimes. And I just now remembered my car insurance is being taken out on Friday. I guess the bus is going to have to do me until next week. Crap!
Well, I'm off. I'm trying to work on my book. I've been dragging. Not sure why. Still have the idea in my head, so it's not like I've got writer's block. I just think it's because I know I'll have to change a lot of the story. It's not working as it is. This is why I hate being a pantser, but I don't know how to be anything else. Have a great night, everyone!
My current inspiration. I don’t know why, but it totally fits the story I’m working on. Here’s hoping you don’t think I’m totally nuts.
So, I'm tired, cranky & don't want to go to work tomorrow. How was your day?
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
As a reader, I want the books I want to read out on time! Grr...The guy I spoke to at Barnes & Noble told me the reason they didn't have it was because of inclement weather at their storage facility. That didn't make me happier, but was a lot less offensive than the other. Still, I went to amazon.com & bought that, plus the Colleen Gleason & Nalini Singh books that are coming out next week. I don't want to go through that again.
So, if someone knows the true answer to why a lot of books don't come out on their appointed days, I'd really like to know. This whole not being there when I want to read it thing is really, really annoying.
Other news? Not much. I'm rereading again. *sigh* It's a sickness, it is. I'd let a friend of mine borrow Rises the Night and The Rest Falls Away by Colleen. I should know better than to do that with this particular friend. I love her to pieces, but she takes FOREVER to get things she borrowed back to me quickly. I really want to read these again to refresh my memory before next Tuesday. *sigh*
Well, I'm off. Reading Wolf at the Door by Christine Warren...again. I like her books. Sexier than sexy. The Demon You Know has one of the hottest love scenes I've ever read & she doesn't even write erotica. Goes to show chemistry between two characters can make anything interesting. :)
You Are a Banana
You are mellow, easy going, and a total softie on the inside.
People find it really easy to get along with you. You suit most tastes.
And while you're very sweet, you're not boring or ordinary.
You have an attraction to the exotic, and you could show up anywhere... doing almost anything!
You are spirited, energetic, and a total kick to be around.
You're also quite funny. Your sense of humor is on the goofy side, and it fits you well.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I went to the oral surgeon's today to find out if I need to get my wisdom teeth out. I had to watch a very disturbing video and then the surgeon came in. Very nice man. He said "I want to just keep an eye on your teeth. If they get impacted, then we'll discuss taking them out." I was perfectly fine with that. :D
After the appointment, I went to pick up BB's elder daughter. B is a doll and I love her to pieces. We talked about going to see Juno, but I was more hungry than anything. We ended up going to Azteca and pigging out. I had a fajita quesadilla. It was very yummy. A little spicy, but not too bad. We talked and stuff and then I took her home. I think I peeved my BB a bit though.
B loves the group Placebo & we were talking about the lead singer. I told her I'd seen a youtube of him on the Graham Norton show. Unfortunately, it was about a voice activated vibrator, but she wanted to see it. She's 19, so it's not like she's 12 or something. Anyway, BB overheard us talking about it and gave me a very disgusted look. If she & I had been talking about it w/ B in the room she wouldn't have cared. Go figure.
I got home and have been playing with my MP3 player. I'm still trying to figure the stupid thing out. For some reason it wouldn't let me upload certain songs last night. I'm hoping that since I'm more awake now, I can do it. Here's hoping. LOL!
I'm rereading Dreaming of You by Lisa Kleypas. I really do love this book, but I honestly think my favorite of hers is Secrets of a Summer Night. I just recently reread that one and found there to be a lot of similarities between it & North and South. The hero is my favorite of hers. Simon is just yummy & he loves Annabelle with all he's got. *sigh* I'm such a romantic dork. he-he
Tomorrow the latest Marjorie M. Liu book comes out. I read the first chapter on her website and it looks amazing! I love her Dirk & Steele series. She's an awesome writer. Very lyrical & visual. I wish I wrote like that. :)
Well, I'm off. Got to get some stuff done before I go to bed. Have a great night, everyone!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Today is also the anniversary of the day I got fired from the job from hell. Talk about a nightmare. That would be that job. I'll never forget that day. The company I worked for had three large buildings. I was in one and HR was in the third. So, it was a bit of a walk.
My boss told me HR wanted to speak with me, so I followed her as we walked over there. I had a feeling I knew what was going to happen, since my best bud and former roommate had been fired the week before. We got to HR and they sat me down. They told me they were letting me go because I had no customer service skills, too many absences and that they didn't think I was good enough for the company. *Pssh*
I asked if I could go get my belongings and they told me that since I was no longer an employee, they couldn't let me back in the building. So, someone had packed up all of my stuff and brought it over in a box. I couldn't say goodbye to any of my friends or anything.
I picked up the box to go out to my car and the HR lady said "Good luck in your future endeavors." I looked over my shoulder at her and said "You're so full of it." I turned and walked away. I gotta admit, I'm still proud of my response. :)
It was raining, so I was hurrying out to my car. I got to my car, but had to shift my hand so I could open the door. The person who had packed my stuff had put it in a box that hadn't been closed properly, so all of my belongings fell out of the bottom.
I was so angry with the whole stupid thing. I got everything in my car & drove home. I remember my parents had gone out of town, so I had that whole weekend to try to figure out how to tell them I'd gotten fired (wasn't easy).
This place also fought my unemployment and won, so I didn't have any money for four months. I still blame them for my financial difficulties. If they hadn't fought my unemployment, I wouldn't have been in such straits. Aw well, it's water under the bridge and they got what they deserved anyway. Evil company got hammered with legal issues. Yay! :P
So, today is an auspicious day. Good for me. he-he
PS...This is NOT appropriate for anyone who's squeamish or easily offended! Just an FYI. :)
I bought another flash drive yesterday. With all the music I'm buying, I wanted somewhere to save it. I have enough crap saved on my computer. I didn't want it to overload my poor computer. :(
I'm renting Assassin's Creed for the Playstation 3. It's a beautifully rendered video game. The colors are cold & stark. Fits the game to a "T." It's a hard game too, which is nice. I won't buy games anymore because I beat them all & I just don't see the point. I might break down and buy the next Metal Gear game, but that's just because I'm a total MG geek. he-he
I have tomorrow off, but I've got a lot of errands to run. *sigh* I have an appointment with an oral surgeon. They've finally decided to take out my wisdom teeth. Oh, joy. Aw well, it'll be nice to have them gone. :)
After that, I pick up best bud's older daughter. We're going to try to see Juno. I've been wanting to see it for awhile, but just haven't had the chance. It should be fun. :)
I've decided I need to start taking the bus to work. Ugh! But, it's more cost effective than driving. It's just depressing. That's why I'm downloading so much music. I want to have my MP3 player FULL of music. That way I can ignore everyone around me.
I'm really tired tonight. I didn't sleep well last night due to the nasty headache, so today I've felt all icky & such. Oh well, what else is new?
I'm listening to Breathe by Faith Hill. I'm not a huge country music fan, but I LOVE this song. It's so sensual. Good love making song (or writing one). I'm trying to figure out a great way to get my two character's into bed. I'm thinking it'll be the heroine who'll initiate, which is funny when you consider she's a virgin. I promised myself that I will NOT have her first time be all sunshine and magic. It's going to be awkward, painful and annoying, but isn't that the way it really is? So many people complain about the "fake" enjoyment of virgins in books. Maybe they'll enjoy "reality" instead. LOL! Yeah, right.
When I look at all the songs I've bought, it's weird. I never realized how diverse my music taste is. I bought: Breathe by Faith Hill, Hung Up by Madonna, Planet Caravan by Pantera, Umbrella by Rihanna, I Stay Away by Alice in Chains, Cowboys from Hell by Pantera, Ain't No Other Man by Christina Aguilera, Lovestone by Justin Timberlake, My Love by Justin Timberlake, Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park, This Love by Pantera, Are You Happy Now by Michelle Branch, At Last by Etta James, Barracuda by Heart, Call Me When You're Sober by Evanescence, Cornflake Girl by Tori Amos, Faithfully by Journey, Going Under by Evanescence, Happy by Mudvayne, Haunted by Evanescence, Here I Go Again by Whitesnake, Is This Love by Whitesnake, Let Me Go by 3 Doors Down, Lose My Breath by Destiny's Child, Never Too Late by Three Days Grace, Possession (piano version) by Sarah McLachlan, See You Again by Miley Cyrus, Separate Ways by Journey, Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson, Somewhere Over The Rainbow by IZ Kmakawiwo'ole (Hawaiian version...LOVE IT!), Still of the Night by Whitesnake, The Power of Love by Celine Dion, Wasteland by 10 Years, When I'm Gone by 3 Doors Down.
Now, I didn't get them all at once, mind you. I'm not that rich. But, I've bought them all ever since I got my MP3 player. As I said, very eclectic. :)
I'm off to listen to music and maybe write. Have a great night, everyone!
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Today was decent. I had to work, which is always a downer, but what else is new? It went by relatively quickly so it wasn't ALL bad. :) I got some errands done before work & that was basically it. Got paid today, though most of it went to bills. *sigh* I figured out all my finances though and should be fine until next pay day.
I'm thinking I need to start taking the bus again. *sigh* I really, really don't want to, but the parking lot I park in has raised their daily parking three times in the last month. It's getting to be a bit much for me, so I'm thinking the bus will be more economical. I just hate taking the bus though. All those unwashed people. Ugh! *icky shiver* Then there are the germs, the incessant talking and just the overall annoyance factor. Maybe I'll just suck it up after all.
I went to Borders today to see I'd get lucky and find some new books out. Nope, not until Tuesday. *sigh* What a bummer! Oh well, I like buying books when they come out. I want the author to get credit for their work. Nothing worse than people who put books out early. Shame on them. Amazon is doing that with the new Marjorie M. Liu book. If you go to look at it, it says you can have it by Monday, but it's not out until Tuesday. Bad amazon!
Tomorrow I'm hoping to go out with a friend of mine. I'm crossing my fingers. The last couple of weekends have fallen through. I haven't seen her in a long time & I miss her. We definitely need to catch up. :)
I have to work tomorrow! Boo! It's only 6 hours though, so it's not that bad. Still, I'd gotten used to having my weekends. Aw well.
Monday I've got an appointment to have my wisdom teeth looked at. They're talking about pulling them. Definitely not something I'm looking forward to. I'm hoping that when they do, it won't be too traumatic for me. *crossing fingers*
Hope everyone's having a great night. Ciao!
Friday, January 25, 2008
And in other news....this whole Heath Ledger thing. I've heard more gay jokes and Brokeback slurs than I ever thought was possible. He was an actor, you idiots! He acted in this movie. Why is it that because he played a gay man, he's obviously gay? Did anyone say that about Tom Hanks when he was in Philadelphia? Nope!
Now, I'm not gay, but I have gay friends. They're sick of this nonsense too. The man is dead. He was a great actor (anyone who's seen previews for the new Batman movie can attest) and he died way too young. He left behind a small child who's probably missing her daddy & that is what we should be thinking about. Why is it that people are so unfeeling?
Just because a person is gay doesn't mean that they're evil. It doesn't mean that they want to have sex with you. It doesn't mean that they're sick or twisted or anything else. They are just like everyone else, they just prefer their own gender. It's about time people started realizing that. Do I condone it? No! Do I understand it? Not necessarily, but I do not judge them. They are my friends and that is all that matters to me.
So, for those people out there who can't grow up or who can't be comfortable with someone who is "different" than them. Just don't say anything. When you speak and make an ass of yourself, you just look stupid.
*steps down from soapbox*
PS. If I offended you, I apologize, but I'm just fed up!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Today seemed to last forever. Work was SSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOO slow! Sheesh! I basically sat around and did nothing. Boo! The only good thing about the slowness of it all was that I was able to get some notes done for my story. As of right now, I think I'm going to call it Rebecca's Story until I can figure out a better title. I'm not a good title person. There's a blog like I like to go to called badattitles. Nuts! I wish I'd thought of that. he-he
The friend I was ranting about the other day & I have made up. She sent me an email today that really cleared the air. I think sometimes people just get so overwhelmed by life that they just kind of snap. I can't hold this against her, because it was more a misunderstanding than anything. I know how that goes. :)
This week is just taking so long. *sigh* I get paid on Friday & have so much stuff to do! Pay some bills, but mostly stuff I WANT to do! I can't get over how many new books are coming out in the next few weeks. I've got at least a dozen. Oh the humanity!!!!!!
I hope everyone is doing well. Sleeping well & stuff too. he-he Nite!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Thankfully, one of my coworkers anwered his phone & told me it was somewhere else. I still made it on time, but boy was that frustrating. *sigh* The meeting wasn't so bad this year. Last year it was sooooo long, but this year it was cut back considerably. Yay!
I'm sitting here in my ugly orange chair with music playing & candles burning. It is so cold here right now. In fact, last night as I was getting gas, the super nice gas attendant decided it'd be nice to wash my windshield. Unfortunately, the water froze instantly, so he spent his time taking the ice off my window instead of cleaning it. :)
I tweaked my hip today. I've had issues with my hip for awhile. Sometimes it just likes to tweak and then it'll be fine for a long time. It's just achey right now. *sigh*
I get paid on Friday & most of my check will go to paying bills, but I do want to get my eyebrows done. I hate my whole unibrow thing that's going on right now. Ugh!
Hope y'all are doing well & Jana, you're grandpa is in my prayers. Hugs, hun, and you can email me any time.
I'm off! Have a great night, everyone! :)
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Anyway, I've been thinking. Do I want to keep it Bridget Locke or should I change it to something more...romantic? Kate Rothwell had an interesting blog over on Bam's blog a few days ago that made me think. Of course, she is a fully established author and she was looking for a third name to go by, but...well, I'm stumped. The name I came up with for her (if she decides to take it) is a good one. I dunno...maybe I'm being ridiculous. It really sucks trying to come up with stuff like this.
So, that's my dilemma. Should I keep it as is or change it? Your comments would be most appreciated.
Monday, January 21, 2008
I dreamt that I was in England for the first time and I was walking into a pub. In my dream I was finally slender and in my head I was thinking about how hot I looked (yeah right). As I stepped into the pub, I knocked myself unconscious by smacking my head against the low door jam. LOL! Yeah, like I said, my dreams are weird. he-he
It is soooooo beautiful today. It's FREEZING cold, but the sun is out and the sky is a beautiful shade of blue. I really want to go outside, but not right now. Instead, I'll finish up online, take a hot shower and then maybe go to Starbucks or something. Maybe even take the bus down to Powell's. The book ambience might help my brain stay focused. Ha!
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Had a nice day today. Went out with best bud. We met up at Starbuck's and chatted for a bit, before I got hungry and decided we needed to go get food. We went to one of my usual haunts and had dinner. We spent most of the day talking about inconsiquential stuff, but also about books. Our reading tastes are very different. I read a lot of romances and she reads some very weird stuff. But we have fun defending our tastes, so I guess that's all that matters. :)
Tomorrow I have the day off. I'm totally broke until Friday, but I've been thinking it might be fun to go to either Starbuck's or Powell's and write. I found the last time I did that I wrote quite a bit. Hopefully I can avoid screaming small children this time. I can only hope.
Today I've been wandering the blogosphere. Finding some very interesting blogs on the whole Cassie Edward's plagiarism debaucle. I'm finding that my respect for Nora Roberts keeps going higher, while my dismay at some other author behaviors is just kind of sad and depressing.
I'm keeping my nose out of it. I know from past experiences that blog wars and stupidity can come back to haunt you and it's best to just keep my mouth shut rather than cause a big stink.
I slept badly last night. I should start by saying I was sleeping very well and having the most amazing dream featuring...well, I won't name names. However, annoying noises in the house woke me up from this wonderous dream and by the time I finally fell back asleep, my subconscious had moved on. Boo-hoo. :(
We're getting hit with East Wind really bad right now. Gusts keep rushing down my street, so there's this...roar that just won't go away. I don't mind the wind at all. I just hope it doesn't knock out power. *sigh*
We're "expecting" (I say this with much doubt) a few days worth of snow. Uh-huh...I'll believe it when I see it. I'm sure we'll get something, but I dunno if I expect that much snow. You've got to understand. If we get a quarter inch of snow here, the city panics and people stop remembering how to drive. It's not like it is back East or even in the Midwest where you get feet of snow. I think the most snow I've ever seen here is maybe half a foot. Not much, but it shut down the city for almost a week. Of course, there was about six inches of ice on top of that snow, but whatever. :)
Well, I'm off. I'm going to play the Sims 2 for awhile and then I hope to get some more writing done. It is getting written, just slowly. I was trying to explaing it to BB, but I don't think she quite understood the concept. I then told her "It sounds like me, the way I talk, especially when I'm being unintentionally funny." She started to laugh, so now I think she gets it. he-he Night!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
As for the rest of my life...eh! I'm tired, frustrated, want to run away, and never come back. *sigh* People drive me nuts! Well, not ALL people, but enough of them where I just wonder why I even bother. It seems like lately things just have a way of coming back to haunt me...and the thing that's so stupid is I haven't really done anything to have people mad at me!
Why? Why do I even bother anymore?????????????????????????????
Friday, January 18, 2008
I sold my PS2 today. A guy at work wanted it for his little boy. Got $40 out of it. I'd had it for a LONG time, so was glad to see it go to a good home. I hope his son gets a lot out of it like I did.
I'm doing a lot better today, anxiety wise. I took a sleeping pill last night, put on my MP3 player and drifted off to sleep. Woke up with a sore rib to find out I'd fallen asleep while the MP3 player was still going and it had found a nice spot right on my ribcage.
Took the $40 I got for the PS2 and went to Borders. I've been trying to find new authors. While on amazon.com last night I browsed through some young adult authors and found a new series I'd never heard of before. I bought the first one and will tell you if I liked it or not.
Tomorrow I work from 1 to 5. I chose not to go back to my regular schedule until next week. Shame on me, but honestly the thought of it just made my insides hurt. I got next week's schedule and don't have to be at work until Tuesday. That will give me a 3-day weekend! Whee!
As I said the other day, I've been writing! I know, it's so totally a miracle. Anyway, I was wondering if anyone out there knows Gaelic or Welsh. I've been thinking that my hero is going to be one or the other and I need help translating English to either language w/ pronunciations as well. I gotta say, Welsh is one of the most lyrical languages ever.
Well, so is Romanian. I grew up hearing a lot of kids speaking Romanian & was always so disappointed that I never learned it. Beautiful language. The thing that always killed me were how hot these kids were too. *sigh*
I'm so excited about this story I'm working on. I'm taking my own advise and not doing any editing or anything else. I'm just letting the words flow. I figure I can fix that all at a later date anyway.
My "hero" (and I use that term loosely) is so hawt! He just makes my heroine melt...which is both good and really, really bad. :) I'm such an imp, I know. he-he
Well, I'm off. Have to go write an entry for Tales. Yeah, I'm back doing that after months of not and it's not easy. I'm sure I'll think of something...I hope.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
It's like I've got an adrenaline rush or something. I feel so weird. This so totally sucks butt.
1:14 am. I wanna run away now!
The wonderful Nalini Singh is having a contest! Her next book Mine to Possess comes out on February 5th and I think this contest rocks. What is the contest? To talk about my favorite heroes. I made her clarify if it was just books or could be something else. Thankfully she included movies and tv too. :)
Here are my favorite heroes in no particular order:
Richard Armitage as Mr. Thornton from BBC's North and South: Hot, tortured, cold, but with this unbelievable love for Miss Margaret Hale. Makes me hot just thinking about it. Yum!
Mr. Darcy in Pride & Prejudice (the movie version w/ Keira Knightley): Vulnerable, strong, proud, but loves her so much & is willing to do almost anything to prove it. *sigh*
Roarke from JD Robb's In Death series: The ultimate hero. Dark, Irish, yummy, with a soft gooey center when it comes to Eve.
Simon Hunt from Secrets of a Summer Night by Lisa Kleypas: He just does it for me. The kiss in the opening scene. Makes me feel giddy every time I read it.
Bones from Jeaniene Frost's Halfway to the Grave: Why do I love him so? I think it's because he's so cold and distant throughout most of the book, but you can tell something hot is simmering just under the surface. Yum!
Ethan Garrett from To The Brink by Cindy Gerard: Though he's no longer married to Darcy, he still goes halfway across the world to save her. Yummy. :)
Judd from Carressed by Ice by Nalini Singh: Hot Psy sex. 'Nuff said
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
I had my doctor's appointment today. I've been released for regular work. I don't know how I feel about that. In all honesty I think I'd avoid work at any costs right now, but I'll get over it. I think a true vacation would do me a lot of good, but I have to wait until after I get my tax refund. *sigh* How many more months is that?
I also went & visited my grandmother today. I would have spent more time there, but I was at the doctor's forever (or so it seemed). They had an emergency come in & it was like they forgot all about me. *sigh* Oh, well, it didn't work out too bad. I sat in my little room finishing BETRAYED by PC & Kristin Cast. All I can say is...wow! So good and I cried like a baby at a certain point.
I sure would like to know where these great young adult novels were when I was a kid. I read a lot of LJ Smiths & Christopher Pikes, but nothing like the books that are out now. Stephenie Meyers & then this series. Awesome.
I'm doing a bit better today, anxiety wise. I'm so tired I think I could sleep for a year, but other than that I think I'm okay. I still think I need to see a counselor or something, just to get all this nonsense out of my head and out in the open. I think it'd do me a lot of good.
I'm going to start listing the music I'm listening to at the end of my blogs. Some of it's kind of nuts, but I've been going thru this major Trance faze lately. :) Actually, right now This Love by Pantera is on my MP3 player. I don't know what it is about Mr. Anselmo's voice, but it is HAWT! :)
Have a great night everyone!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
I have a coworker that I've had difficulties with in the past. Ever since she got hired on in a certain department, she's acquired a God complex a mile long. I'm not supposed to be on the phones (ha, yeah right!) and was working on something else that basically required my immediate attention. I asked one of my coworkers if he'd get some messages for me since I was also dealing with questions and such from our temps. My coworker said sure and went and did it.
I was helping one of my other coworkers when this person decided it was appropriate to chastise me in front of everyone because I wasn't the one who took the messages. That it was MY responsibility and if she'd known I wasn't going to do it that she would have done it herself because at least that way she would have known they were done.
I basically went off on her right then and there. I told her I wasn't stupid, that I'd asked my coworker to do it because he hadn't received a phone call in awhile and that I was swamped. I told her that I didn't appreciate her going off on me and that if she had a problem with the way I was doing something that she could have done so in a more professional manner.
She is NOT my boss, I've been there a whole lot longer than she has, and I'm older than her. She is NOT my mother and I do NOT want to be talked to like a child by someone like her. Argh!!!!
I am so sick and tired of the backstabbing and stupidity I deal with every day. I'm tired of it all. I told my mom today that I've had enough and that I really need to find another job. I'm so tired, I can hardly tell you how tired I really am.
And then to top it all off, my manager confronted me today. She said she'd been told that I was typing on Thursday. I told her yes I was typing; emails and such that were work-related. I wasn't doing anything wrong and even though I'm not supposed to be typing at all, that's exactly what I'm being told to do (work wise). Why can't people talk to me like a grownup instead of a two year old?? Honestly am I that pathetic or something? I'm so sick of this nonsense!
I still say I've got a giant kick me sign on my back and I sure wish someone would be nice enough to take it off. *sigh*
Monday, January 14, 2008
Bought it, took it home, put the CD-Rom in and boom...doesn't work. Looked over the box and realized I'm an idiot & that it's not compatable with my computer. *smacks forehead* See, I've got Microsoft Vista on this lovely computer and I should have checked, but wasn't thinking. Called up Wal-Mart and asked if they had ANY MP3 players that were compatable. The girl went away for quite awhile and came back to tell me that one of them was. Went all the way back to Wal-Mart, exchanged and got my new one. 'Course it was an additional $10, but whatever.
Got home, set it up, went to Wal-Mart's music download site and now I'm sitting here listening to a buttload of music. It runs the gamut from At Last by Etta James to This Love by Pantera. Yes, I've got eclectic taste. :)
So, I'm having fun. And...I got more writing done! Whee! I also stopped by this great plus-size consignment store in the hopes that I'd find some jeans. Not only did I find 2 pair of really cute jeans, but they're a size smaller than I wore before! Score! I've had a good day...so far.
I'm going to log off the internet, hook up my flash-drive and get some writing done. Yup...that's what I'm going to do. Night!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
I've been thinking a lot lately about writing and what it means to be a real writer. People who don't write have absolutely no idea how hard it is to write all the time. In so many ways it feels like I'm ripping my emotions out from somewhere deep inside. Sometimes it physically hurts, especially when I'm in the midst of writing a tough scene like breakup or even a really intense love scene.
I wonder why I want to torture myself so and the answer is actually really quite simple. I can't not write it down. It's a compulsion; a deep need to get what I have in my head down on paper. My biggest dream is to be published some day. I want to be able to write full time and make enough money to live off of it. I want people to enjoy what I've written and I want them to see what I've put on each page.
There are times when the writing is like trying to dig myself out of a deep hole. And other times it flows like a river that nothing can dam up.
Take, for instance, what's happening to me right now. Right after I was injured I had this crazy first line pop into my head and since then I've been mulling it over in my head. The line? "I never meant to die a virgin." Simple, but so very to the point. It had so much potential that I didn't want to ruin it and make it into something stupid. I wanted to be able to make it either entertaining or engrossing (depending on which way my brain went).
Last night at...3:00 am I was on my computer typing away and couldn't stop. All of a sudden it was like I could see the entire thing as clear as day & I knew why my heroine had died a virgin and what would happen to her once she realized she was dead.
I don't have a lot yet, just 9 pages, but that 9 pages is more than I've written in months and you know what? It feels wonderful!
Is there such a thing as a "grand" passion? Someone that makes your insides melt or makes you feel giddy all the time. Is there such a thing as someone who makes you so hot you feel like you're going to explode? I know so many women who are married and who love their husbands, but who don't really feel 100% passionate towards them. I mean, their sex life is okay, but it's not something that makes their toes curl. Does what I'm saying even make sense to anyone?
It's so hard to clarify exactly what I mean. I think the thing that's screwed me up so much is reading romances. It creates a certain...expectation that I know isn't real. I mean, I know sex isn't perfect each and every time you have it (though that would be nice). What would I know? I haven't even had sex yet. And yes, I know that sounds really weird.
I wonder if I will ever meet the man who makes my heart crumble. Who is he? Does he even exist? And if he does...why hasn't he come along yet???? I guess he's out there waiting for me to get my head on straight. I know at this point in my life I couldn't handle a relationship. Too much drama and not enough patience to deal with it.
Even if I did have my head on straight, would I even be a good girlfriend? I don't even know the answer to that question. I have good qualities...I know I do, but sometimes I wonder if I'm just too, well, different for a man to really love me.
Self-doubt is a big part of my life and I know that. I've never had enough confidence in myself to really believe I'm attractive enough to attract a man. I know I'm not ugly, but I don't know if I'm pretty either. I'm a big ball of confusion, sexual frustration, and an inability to show the world who I really am deep down inside.
Maybe one of these days that will change and I'll have that GRAND passion I've always dreamt of. Or maybe I'll die the crazy old virgin in the big house full of dogs and my doll collection. LOL! My brother's said as much, but he's my brother so I can ignore him...right?
As I'm sure a lot of you are aware, this movie has been making its rounds of the blogosphere over the last few months. I'd never even heard of it until Kristie J started talking about it. It piqued my interest and I decided to get it from the library. I'm a huge Pride & Prejudice (especially the one w/ Keira Knightley) fan and I didn't think anything would come close to that movie.
I got it from the library & watched it one full sitting. It's a BBC miniseries starring Daniela Denby-Ashe as Margaret Hale, a vicar's daughter who's life changes in unexpected ways when her father moves the family from Helstone to Milton, a town up north.
At first, Ms. Hale is devastated by this unexpected move and views everything in Milton with a jaundiced eye. She does not see any appeal about the place, especially Mr. Thornton, played wonderfully by Richard Armitage. Mr. Thornton is a Master of one of the many cotton mills in Milton and has a reputation of ferocity & a strong work ethic.
Their first meeting is not one of good impressions, especially for Ms. Hale. She witnesses Mr. Thornton beating a worker within an inch of his life for smoking and she automatically sees Mr. Thornton as a bully & someone who she doesn't want anything to do with. Unfortunately for her, Mr. Thornton is one of her father's new students and things go downhill from there.
The thing I love about this movie is the way the attraction plays out between the two lead characters. Mr. Thornton is captivated by her, but feels that he is not good enough for her, though he is a rich and powerful man. Ms. Hale believes bad of him, but realizes as time goes by that he is NOT the evil man she thought him to be and sees him for the good man he really is.
There are scenes of such beauty between the two of them. I've already posted my favorite scene on my bravejournal account, but still don't know how to do that here. Suffice it to say, it shows his yearning for her in a way that breaks my heart every time.
Each actor that has a part in this miniseries is superb. They play their roles in a way that makes you really believe they are who they play. Sinead Cusack as Mrs. Thornton is one of the best castings for a controlling, but deeply feeling mother. The casting of Fanny, Mr. Thornton's spoiled and clueless sister is great as well.
If you love a romance that is full of powerful emotions, this is the one for you. It is four hours long, but it flies by. The cinematography is to die for & I love all of the nuances. Milton is filmed with a grayish tint that shows how dirty and coarse it is. Helstone is filmed with a lovely sheen to make it see almost magical.
Honestly, I rate this as better than Pride and Prejudice, though that one is so close behind they're almost tied. One of the best romances of all time and something I will treasure for a long time.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Work is awkward, since the 2 of us do work together. I was pleasant if he came to ask for help, but didn't speak to him at all otherwise. I know this will bug me for awhile, but I WILL move on. I'm just tired of superficial, immature boobs who come along and make life miserable.
Sometimes I wonder if it's me. Do I have a sign on my back that says "Willing target" or something? It's just so stupid! *sigh*
Tomorrow is payday & after paying bills and such, I hope to go splurge a bit. I've been doing some research on movies that look interesting and almost all of them are period dramas done by the BBC. It's a sickness, I tell you. However, none of the fine actors who play the "heroes" are as hot as our Mr. Armitage.
I've been trying to figure out the attraction of the man & I've come to a couple of conclusions. #1. His voice is like melted chocolate. I could sit here and listen to the man speak all day long without getting tired of it. #2. He can act. (duh) #3. He's not gorgeous by any means, but there is something extremely attractive about him. I think it's the whole masculine thing. He's not classically handsome, but there's something about him that...well, I won't say but I'm thinking naughty thought. he-he. #4. Mr. Thornton ('nuff said)
Though life has been stressful, I did get some good news regarding my Workman's Comp. They denied my claim, but my employer has agreed to pay for all of my medical expenses. Do I know why? No. In fact, I find myself doubting it, because why would they agree to do that without some sort of ulterior motive? I need to call the WC rep I've been dealing with and find out exactly what's going on. If it's true...well, that'd take a major load off my shoulders, that's for sure.
Do y'all know I've got a review blog too? I know Kristie J does because she's commented on it. I started it right before my injury, so there aren't as many reviews as there are books I've actually read, but now that my hand is almost healed, I think I can start reviewing more often. So far I've had the pleasure of interviewing a great author, reviewing some great books, and just having a great time. :) If you're interested in looking it over, here's the link. I'm always looking for cool things to do, so if you have any recommendations on cool contests or something, let me know.
Well, I'm off. It's almost 1 am here. I don't have to be at work until 3, but I've got quite a few errands I need to run "today." LOL! Bills to pay, a nephew to play with and some other stuff.
Speaking of nephews, Dylan is now at the stage where he actually wants to do stuff with ME! I know, that doesn't seem like much, but it's so cool that he comes to me now. I have this really cool multicolored lamp in my room that he likes to look at. I call them "Pretty lights". I'll ask him "Do you want to go see the pretty lights?" and he grunts an affirmative. He lifts his arms up for me to pick him up and I carry him to my room. I turn on the lamp and he gets such a kick out of it. :) I also have a fan that sits on the floor by my bed. He likes me to turn that on too. He's also decided that tackling me on my bed is a lot of fun too. I always cry out "Oh, no, the Dylmeister has me now!" He chuckles and sits on my stomach like a conquering hero. LOL! Can you tell this munchkin has me wrapped around his finger?
Well, I'm off. Have a great night, everyone! To those of you who've commented over the last few entries, I really appreciate your concern and your support. It means everything to me.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
I have a friend at work (or so I thought), who I'd hang out with and stuff. Over the last few days he's been very standoffish towards me and just acting very weird. Today at work after I'd been there for about a half an hour or so, he sends me an email.
It basically said "I know what you've been telling other people about me. I just want to concentrate on work. You'll still get your Christmas gift, but I'm done." Um, what??? To top it all off, I have no idea what in the world he's talking about.
I sent him an email back basically saying just that. He refused to talk to me for the rest of the night. I wrote on a piece of paper that I didn't know what he was talking about and that I would appreciate some sort of clarification.
Nothing. After work I text messaged him saying that if he was going to accuse me of something, it would be appreciated if I knew what in the world he was talking about. That I never said anything about him to anyone and that I didn't appreciate being blindsided by this.
He still hasn't apologized or even really given me any clue as to what was said or anything!!!!! It's one thing if I had said something bad about him to someone else, but I haven't. I don't do that to people I say are my friends. I don't backstab and this whole thing is just ridiculous.
I hate being falsely accused of something, especially when I don't really know what I'm even being accused of. What should I do? Should I just blow it off like it never happened, treat him like he doesn't exist or what? I am so hurt by this, I can't even begin to tell you. Help!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
I've never been the type of person who has dealt with stress well. I tend to bottle it up, focus on it to the point of madness and basically make my life a living hell. It's not something I do intentionally; it's just the way I'm made.
So much of the way I am stems from my childhood. It usually does, but in some ways what I went through as a child and a teen are things that no human should ever go through. Humiliation, hurt...there are so many adjectives I could use to describe it, but it's not something I really want to think about too much.
Everything I've been going through lately (except for the hand...that's a totally different story), has made me realize that I really and truly need help. I've bottled things in for so long that it's gotten to the point where I'm not healthy. I'm depressed, stressed, etc. There are very few things out there that give me any joy or peace right now and that's really sad.
I want to be happy. I want to be able to wake up each day and say "Boy, I'm so glad to be alive." I'm not suicidal or anything, just depressed. I talked to my mom today and I think I'm to the point where I need to get professional help. I need to be able to spill my guts to an impartial party and get some sort of feedback. In short, I need help.
I'm not writing this tonight looking for pity. I'm just needing to get my thoughts out there for the world to see. Maybe the change in blog was something I was meant to do. Maybe this will be something that will help me work through it all. I don't know. All I know is that 2008 will be the year I finally get my head screwed on straight.
If any of you out there believe in prayer, I really could use it.
Monday, January 7, 2008
My life has been going in a bunch of frustrating circles lately. I just feel like I'm going nowhere fast and it's driving me crazy! As most of you know, I have tendonitis in my right hand and I've been on work restriction since the first part of November. Well, workman's comp asked me to meet a doctor for a second opinion and he basically said I was full of it. *sigh* So workman's comp denied my claim, which means I now have to figure out a way to appeal it through the state. What a joke. :( I'm so frustrated with it all. When it flared up again, it was a very obvious injury. WC just waited for a month and a half before my 2nd opinion, so by that time my hand was a lot better. *bangs head on wall* I just want to cry. :(
I just put my brace on. My hand is really tired tonight. I really haven't done much to make it so. I think it's more weakness than anything. I hate being weak. It really sucks.
I have a doctor's appointment on the 16th. The last 2 times I've been out there, my blood pressure has been high. I think 99% of it is the fact that I'm driving over to Vancouver and the bridge I have to drive over scares the crap out of me. The last time I went out there it was raining and the bridge was a mess. Some idiot in one of those big pickups cut me off and there you go. My heart was racing and I didn't get enough time to calm down. I also hate having my blood pressure taken. It always hurts.
Does anyone else out there obsess over things they have no control over? When my blood pressure went up the first time, it freaked me so out I obsessed over it. I think that's another reason why it was bad the last time too. I don't want them to take it the next time I go. I'm afraid it'll be high again, especially with all the stress I'm having to take with WC. *sigh* Pray for me, would you?
Friends and their relationship woes have been on my mind recently. Last year I dated a guy for about a minute and that was more than enough for me. I've never been in love...don't know if I'll ever be in love. If I ever do though, I hope I don't do some of the stupid things I witness my friends do. I hope I'm rational...I hope. :)
I'll be creating a link from my bravenet account over to this one. Bravenet was there for me when I first started blogging and I think I've done a lot of growing up in the last almost 3 years. I hope I have, anyway. :) I hope my friends will follow me over here. If not, I'll have to hunt them down and drag them along with me. I'll go all cavewoman over here. LOL!
So, all in all, life has been frustrating to say the least. Positive vibes would definitely be appreciated.