I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!

Did ya miss me? I missed y'all dreadfully.

So, here's what's been going on. My coworker's girlfriend is an engineer. I was telling A how much my computer was dragging and how frustrated I was at not being able to do anything. A said Well my girlfriend can probably fix it for you." So two weeks ago Sunday I went over, bought pizza & sat around while said girlfriend was fixing said computer. 4 1/2 hours into it, she tells me "Well, you have a virus and it's going to take me a couple of days to fix it." I was all bummed, but figured I'd have it in a couple of days. *headdesk*

Yeah, not so much. I just got it about an hour and a half ago. See, my laptop had Vista on it, which anyone who's had Vista will tell you is crap. Nobody could help her figure out what was wrong, etc. etc. Long story short, I had to go buy Windows 7 yesterday. $200 gone, but she got my computer all up and running. Sadly, none of my programs survived, but my baby's running like butta. I've never had a computer move so fast in my life.

So, Bridget is VERY happy. :)

Now I get to figure out what programs I want to keep. I'm putting Sims 2 back on cuz I miss it so. Definitely Word and...that's about it. I want to keep the 'puter running fast, ya know. lol

All in all, I'm a very happy girl.

And I missed y'all somethin' fierce. *smooches*

What A Crazy, Wild Ride

There are some days when I wonder why I'm here and all kinds of existential nonsense that kind of makes my head hurt.

I just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love and I'm trying to decide how I feel about it. On one hand I really enjoyed it. I understand the want and need to discover yourself. But, on the other hand, the book just really bothered me. I can't really articulate why, but it did.

I think it's because she doesn't have a REASON for why she breaks up her marriage and then goes on this path of self-discovery. She's so self-involved and it just rubbed me wrong.

I know for myself as I'm going on my own journey that if I stay and continue what I'm doing, my...soul (I don't think that's the right word, necessarily) will just shrivel up and die.

I'm not happy anymore. My job's a one way ticket to nowhere and I'm stagnating. I'm exhausted emotionally, spiritually and physically. I wish I had the money to just up and disappear for a year.

I know exactly what I would do. I'd rent a small cottage in a small Scottish village. It would have to have internet access so I could keep in contact with family and friends, but I would honestly be perfectly content with no human contact at all for awhile.

I'm realizing more and more the older I get that I seriously don't like to be around people all that much. I think I could be a hermit with little issue at all. How sad is that?

Huh...

You know, sometimes friends can surprise you. My friend M is...well, he's a surprise friend. I never thought we'd be civil, let alone friends. I asked him for his opinion and he gave it. It's surprisingly common sense. I *heart* him. :)

teeter-totters are scary

No, I didn't ride one, but I certainly feel like I'm riding an emotional one. *sigh*

Today was nice. Went and got pedis with my niece. Also got a manicure because I'm trying to quit biting my nails. We'll see how it works.

It's really got here. I HATE hot. It makes me cranky. :(

Tomorrow's another day. Oh, joy.

I'm trying to be positive. Trying is definitely the operative word. I wish I could just not like him anymore. Blow it off as a passing fancy and leave it be.

I'm getting too much conflicting advice, so I'm just gonna ride it out and see what happens. I just wish he was single, liked me, admitted it and we could move on.

It's just so bizarre. When he first started working there, there was nothing there. I thought he was cute, but wasn't totally into him. But, mr being me, I would say hi every day and just talk to him.

We became friends. He's worked there now for about a yearish and the whole flirtation thing just started out of the blue. I think if he'd been super flirtatious from the beginning I'd be able to just write him off as an immature punk, but it didn't.

I just wish I could shut off my brain. Turn it off and ignore it all for awhile.

I think having him gone for 3 months will be good. Like I told my niece today, if I don't hear from him at all while he's gone I can write him off and move on.


BUT, here's the thing...I refuse to be the other woman. Refuse. If he tries to pursue something, we're going to have a serious come to jesus talk.

And if this all about an ego boost, I'm gonna kick his butt from here to timbuktu.

blech!

It's hot. I'm laying here typing on my BlackBerry. I've got a fan pointed right at me.

Today was an adventure. *sigh* last night our modem died a spectacular death. My mom bought a new one at wal-mart this morning and when I got up she was going thru the box muttering to herself.

See, the box very clearly has the words "installation CD" written on it, which common sense tells you there should be one IN the box. Ha! That's funny. No CD.

So, she went back to wal-mart. New box. No CD. By this point, she's almost un tears. I told her I'd go to best buy and take care of it.

Go to best buy. Buy new modem. Have them open box once I bought it. No CD. By this point I'm almost in tears. Talk to one of the managers and she said I shouldn't need a CD. Call mom. We've got same modem at home. Get money back and go home.

Set up new modem. Doesn't connect to internet. Call qwest. Get this very nice foreign gentleman who is very patient with my obvious frustration. Has me troubleshoot a couple of things. Internet FINALLY connects.

I ask him how the supposed router works. Turns out I have to buy one. *headdesk* go back to wal-mart. Talk to hit in electronics. They don't have it. Argh! So, I get rather snippy and say if you sell the modem you should sell the router too.

Call my mom to get best buy's number. As we're talking hit comes up to me with the router.

Get home and hook up router. Internet's not connecting again. Seriously? Dude, it's like the cosmos were out to get me. I'm frustrated, but think I'll try one more time.

And...success. So, for the first time ever (seriously at least two years) my mom can be on her desktop and I can be on my laptop simultaneously. It just took 4.5 hours of my life to get there. *sigh*


This will be funny tomorrow, but today it sucked. Just sayin.

Hmmmmmmmmm.......

So, yeah. Today sucked. 99% of that was my own doing. I let it get to me.

I was going to talk to him after work, but then realized that would just make things worse. He was his usual sweet self. *sigh* so frustrating.
After work as we were driving home, I asked him how long they'd dated. His exact words...a few years.

Looking back on all this, he'd dropped hints, but I was too focused on him to see it. I don't think they're happy. They certainly don't see each other as often as a couple should.

After I got home, I talked to my friend Vickie about my observations. She told me she'd talked to her boyfriend about it (not on my bequest, she did it on her own) and he immediately jumped in with "he's not happy in his relationship and it sounds like he really likes her (me), but doesn't want to be the bad guy. He's bored with his girlfriend and wants out." *sigh*
I told he I don't want to be his rebound. If they break up, I'm not gonna just be all "I'll take you now." he'll have to work for it. I'm not some ditzy broad. I'm not THAT desperate.

So, at this point we're in a holding pattern.

I can't just stop liking him. I'm an idiot, I guess.

*scratches head*

I admit it. I'm so confused right now. *sigh* The mention of the girlfriend smacked me upside the head so hard I'm amazed I can think straight. Now I'm all about the confusion and the "say what?" How, why, what, huh?

Did I completely misread the signs? Is this "girlfriend" just a defense mechanism because he's shy and I've scared him off? What in the world is going on?

Self-doubt's kicking in big time, which is just driving me nuts. I've got to find some sort of resolution to this whole thing or my head will explode. I'm thinking a conversation needs to be had. Some of my friends will say I shouldn't, but I just can't let this rest. I refuse to be played for a fool.

I'm not crazy. I didn't dream any of what I've written about up. I'm just...I don't know. I want to KNOW! If he truly has a girlfriend, then so be it. But, if he's doing this because he's scared, that's another thing. I just can't seem to wrap my head around any of this. Maybe it'll all be clearer in the morning.

*sigh*

*sigh*

He has a girlfriend.


Excuse me while I go lick my wounds in peace. I'm just not meant to deal with this sort of thing. Being single isn't all bad...right?

If You Had Told Me

Even two weeks ago that I'd be taking a pole-dancing class I would've looked at you like you lost your mind. And yet, that's exactly what I did tonight. And you know what? It's one of the best things I've ever done.

My friend Jenna & I met up on Saturday. We got to talking about stuff and got on the conversation of confidence in your sexuality. I'm sure y'all have figured out that's not something I'm comfortable with, especially in myself. Jenna told me I should take this class; that it would really help me out with that. So, I took her word for it and joined this class.

I walked in to the classroom right before class started. I, as per usual, was early. I got out a mat and sat down. The teacher seemed really cool and all of the women who came in seemed to be really nice. We sat down on the mats and went thru a warming up period where we did a lot of deep breathing and stretching.

THEN came the fun part. The POLE!!! Whoo! She taught us the basic moves and we each had to do it. I was kind of chicken at first, but once we started, it was crazy fun. My favorite was the twist/twirl thinamajig we did. We had the music blasting and it was just really cool. At the end of the class we sat in a circle and had to tell one thing about ourselves we thought was sexy. I actually said it was my height.

As I'm going thru this metamorphasis (whatever that is), I'm realizing that there are things about me that ARE sexy...it's just taking me a long time to realize it. *sigh* But, I think this class will really help me out with that.

Next week we're focusing more on the sexy aspect, which is kind of freaking me out. I've learned what not to wear though. No more uncomfy panties, thankyouverymuch. I felt like I had a constant wedgie. I need to find better workout gear. That's gonna be very important. :) Plus, they all said they're gonna get me in heels, so we'll see. Heh.

And that was my first experience. I know for certain I'm going to do the 2nd level. I already want to get my own pole. Talk about fun. Spin...wheee!!!!

I'm off to bed. I couldn't get to sleep right away, but if I don't go to bed soon, I'm gonna be zonked tomorrow.

Ciao!

Nightmare

Last night I dreamed he told me he was gay. *thud* Woke up in a cold sweat. My worst fear come to life. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

And...

So, another update on "him." Until things are figured out between us, your stuck w/ me. Heh. :)

We were driving home from work. We've now established that I meet him halfway and then he drives the rest of the way in. We're going back to my car and talking about our respective weekends. We miss the turn and keep going. We get up about 4 blocks when he realizes that we've passed and have to turn around. "Why didn't you tell me?" I'm like "I wasn't paying attention."

So as he's turning, out of nowhere he says "Well, you could always come over and hang out at my place for awhile." I was like "Okay, that works" however, he chickened out and said "wait, you're going grocery shopping. Maybe soon." *headdesk* Me and my big mouth saying I had to go grocery shopping when we'd first gotten in the car. lol. Grr...

And you could tell it just kind of popped out because he got a bit flustered. And we all go "Aw, shucks."

But, we're getting closer. Whoo! :D


****


I'm starting the pole-dancing class on Wednesday. Eep! My friend Jenna talked me into it. I think it'll really help me get comfy in my body and my sense of sexiness, which is sadly lacking. However, my mom did say tonight that I seem to be blossoming all of a sudden. That's what liking someone can do. I kid! It's all for me. I WANT this. Liking him's just an added benefit. :)


***

I was able to get some writing done. As we were driving home, I was going over my notes. He knows I'm working on writing a book and was asking me questions about stuff. I couldn't really tell him that what I was working on was a super-hot-scorching-fanning-self love scene, but was able to give him an idea of what the process is for writing, editing, etc. He's very supportive of it, so yay! Now if I could just get him to ask me out. *hands on hips w/ foot tapping impatiently* Argh!


I'm just sitting here listening to music, eating rice chips and contemplating my boring evening. heh.

It's The Weekend! Whoo!

So far, I'm having a great weekend. :) Yay for great weekends. They're so rare. Heh.

Hmm...where should I start? Fine, I'll start with him because I want to. Pfft. We found out what day he'd be leaving for his surgery. We'll be carpooling until the 14th of September. When he told me I told him I was having a sad. lol.

We've finally figured out a cure to the being late thing. Yay! It was his idea (shocking!) and it worked like a charm, so going ahead, that'll be what we do. I meet him on 60th and then he drives the rest of the way in. Before it just was taking too long. There's so much road construction going on that making his way across town to my house was getting a bit ridiculous. The only thing I don't like is leaving my car behind, but whatever. If my car gets stolen...*sigh*

On Thursday I got off work at 3, but stayed until 5:30 so we could ride home together. I've been wanting to write, but haven't had anywhere really quiet to do that. So, I sat in the lunchroom and wrote. It worked just fine, so I was happy about that. As we were driving home, I told him I was going to come in on my own yesterday because I had a bunch of errands to run. His lower lip jutted out and he didn't say anything for a minute. I asked him if he was okay and then he started arguing on why I should ride in with him. Was it worth paying the parking twice, etc. I told him that I wanted to get stuff done (going to the bank, et. al.) and that they closed by 6. I asked him if he wanted me to stay until 5:30, he'd have to run the errands with me. He wouldn't've been able to do that anyway, because he had a thing he had to go to last night. So, I drove in.

Throughout the day he'd come by my desk like he wanted to make sure I was there. After my last break I stuck my cell phone in my pocket. I was on the phone with a customer and he came over to my desk. He motioned at me, but I pointed at my phone. He bent over the back of my chair and unzipped my purse. I'm looking at him like "what do you think you're doing?" lol. He whispered, where's your phone? I pulled it out of my pocket and he took it out of my hand. At that point, I'm thinking "Oh crap", but he pulled up my calls and handed me my phone. I'd hip-dialed his cell phone. He left and I finished the phone call. I was thinking "He could've just texted me and let me know." But, instead, he came over, unzipped my purse and made it into some big production. *shakes head* If that boy doesn't like me... *huffs out breath*

***

So, I'd made plans to meet up with my friend Jenna for a writing date. Yeah, that so didn't happen. LOL! I got there before she did and was eating. She got some food and sat down. Three hours later the cafe's closing and we're still chatting. I loves her to pieces. Such a cool chick and she cracks me up. And I'm not just saying this 'cuz I know she'll be reading this later. *cheeky grin*

Somehow, she's talked me into taking a...I don't know if it's a pole-dancing class or something close, but yeah. I just wanna feel sexy in my own skin. Plus, it'll help me limber up and get some looseness into my walk. I always walk full-steam ahead and I need to put some oompf into my girliness. heh. So, we'll see what happens.

***

After I got home, I gotta play with Coopy for a bit. My brother & SIL's anniversary is on Tuesday, but they wanted to do something tonight. Since Dylan's camping with Pawpaw, we got Cooper for the night. He's getting SO big. He's 2, but seriously he's a big boy. He's all lanky arms and legs though. Not overall big like Dylan. They're both so cute.

Dylan's really fascinated by "him" and is always asking me about him. It's just stinkin' cute. :)


***

I took my laptop case with me and when I got into my bedroom and was unpacking, I came across all the notes I'd written for my paranormal series. I thought I'd accidentally thrown them away a long time ago, so I was THRILLED! And can I say I write some smokin' hot love scenes? I'm just sayin'. heh

So, tomorrow my plan is to get up relatively early and take a walk. I haven't walked since my last one and I find I'm craving it. It should be cool in the morning, so I'm gonna put on my walking clothes and I'm gonna walk. Whoo!


And that's my plan. Yay! I'm off to go write. Or maybe color. I'm kinda bored and procrastinating tonight. *slaps wrist* Shame on me! :P

Blerg

You know the phrase "Have a Come To Jesus Talk?" Yeah, I had to do that today. Carpooling is good...until Tuesdays. I've been late every Tuesday since this whole carpooling thing started. My boss called me into her office today and said that she wouldn't write me up this time, but if I'm late again I'm screwed. It just irritates me SO much since I've reiterated a gazillion times that I CAN'T BE LATE! And that when I say I have to be at work before 9, I mean it. *headdesk*

So, as we were driving home tonight I told him point blank that I couldn't be late again. That if he's not at my house by 8:30, I'm getting in my car and driving to work. He feels bad, but that's not good enough for me. Why do I have to like someone who doesn't have the same time clock I do? Argh!

***

I was going over my archives for a bit tonight and I'm noticing a sad trend. I've only written (with this post) 53 posts for the year. Eesh. That's just sad. 99% of it is that I just haven't had anything to say, which sucks. Work. No life to speak of. Bleh.


***

I've been losing weight like gangbusters. I bought pants a couple of weeks ago and when I put them on the first day I noticed they were just a bit big. I wore them yesterday and they were so baggy they were hanging around my hips. *shakes head* I'm not complaining by any means, but whoa!

***

I went 2 payments past due on my Lane Bryant account (ducks head in shame). Honestly, it wasn't something I did on purpose. I'd just spaced it. So, I took the bill to work with me and called in to make my payment. As I was waiting for them to answer, I actually took a look at my entire bill and I realized something. When I first got my account, I was approved for a $300 limit. Not much, but nothing to complain about either. As I was reading it, I realized they'd given me an increase of over $500. Say what? LOL! So, that was a bit of a shocker.

***

My friend LBea was super sweet and did something for me at the RWA conference. She's the biggest sweetie ever and I can't believe she did what she did. So, I'm looking forward to getting it. *blushes* Thanks, darlin'.

***

I didn't take a sleeping pill tonight. We'll see how good I sleep. My dreams have been really, really bizarre lately. Like insane bizarre. Maybe I'm going loony in my old age? Pfft.


***

Watched the season finale of Deadliest Catch. So sad. Capt. Phil's life wasn't easy and it's sad that he's passed. I think DC handled his stroke and subsequent death beautifully. Nothing schmatlzy or blech. I've watched that show almost since the beginning, so it was just plain sad to me. *sigh*

***

I DVR'd Rubicon the other night. I need to watch it, but I haven't been in the mood. I've got all these channels with shows I'd like to watch, but I just haven't had the gumption to actually watch them. Bleh. I'm just kind of bleh right now, which is sad. The weather's been gorgeous, I get to see my guy every day, and I'm healthy. You'd think those things would make me happy. They do, just not super-duper-whee happy.


***


And that's about it. I'm going to go get in my jammies and see if I can zonk. Hope y'all have a good & happy Hump Day tomorrow.


Ciao!

Good Day

This is a monkey...I think. As I was on the phone with a customer, he stopped by my desk and took my pen from me. Grabbed a sticky note and leaned over my coworker's empty desk. Does something for a sec and then put the sticky note on my desk. He drew me a monkey! And we all go "AW!". lol

Then as I was walking down the hall towards the lunch room he was putting stuff in mail slots. He glanced up and saw me, reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He glanced at it and then back at me. I asked "What, am I late?" "Yeah." Huh...okay then. lol

Oy...I'm such a goober. lol. This is all so goofy and it really shouldn't make me so giddy, but DUDE! It's been such a long time. I'm enjoying it.

And I'm off. I've got some e-books to buy. Whoo!

Grr......

Eh, I've about had it. I think it's time I trade in my poor car for a new one. With all the work that needs to be done to her...I just can't afford her anymore. It makes me sad too, because I've had her paid off for FIVE years. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Grr...

So, I've been looking online for new cars. I kinda know what I want, but we'll see what I can afford. *sigh* My taste has changed a lot in ten years, so I want to get something a little nicer. Sportier. Sexier. Heh. Like sexier will do me any good. :P

My mom said "So, why don't you ask him to go car shopping with you." Oh, yeah, that would make our relationship SO much better. lol

I had the headache from hell yesterday. I was in bed by 8:30. Slept until 9:30. I dunno what it is about migraines, but I always end up having really bizarre dreams. It drives me nuts. I'm striving VERY hard to make sure my head doesn't start hurting tonight. *sigh*

I got no gumption. My friend was telling me I know too much about him, since I know what his plans were for this weekend. It's not my fault he talks to me! *blushes* It's nice though. Now, if I could just get him to like me. "You will like MMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE." Osmosis might work, yeah? lol

Yesterday I felt like crap. Today I'm just feeling tired. I don't want the weekend to be over already. They always go by too fast. The only consolation I have is that I'll get to see him tomorrow. Yay!

I'm trying to get back into the writing mode, but I think I've lost my mojo. Bleh. I don't know what's wrong with me. Summer blues? I dunno, but it's getting on my nerves. Boo!

So, it's off to go car shopping. *whimpers* Help me!